BP Naturally

My Drug-Free Journey of Managing Bipolar Disorder

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POEM: Mid-air


I can’t sleep
when I think of the distance between us

How we tossle about
without the force of skin to propel
And I long for the miles to shrink
For the moments to become completely visceral
Instead of the constant static
of your voice across time

I rather my blood be beneath your nails
Rather your teeth tear against my skin

Anything but my too many words
that awkward pause–

Your silence.

And I imagine that you would love me more
If we could hold one another
Hope my hands would still swell up with passion
Hope I wouldn’t fall deaf to the drone of you
Know that all my foolish mistakes would be caught mid-air
Before they ever found their way
To your listening heart.


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POEM: I Smile Like the Lonely Sun

I Smile Like the Lonely Sun

I smile like the lonely sun
You do not know
Rays of joy shimmering out
Dancing on the waters of your heart
And I radiate:
reflect me! reflect me! reflect me!
Arms outstretched

What do you hear?

I smile like the lonely sun
You do not know
I burn
to make your cheeks grow bright
In the coolness of a lunar glow
The vast space
of unsaid words
the insufferable dark matter
of our thoughts

I smile like the lonely sun
You do not know.

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Product: Citrus Zinger


I was thinking this might be cool for my Challenge #1… Increased Water Intake.

Looks like I’d need to drink 2+ bottles per day to meet my 60+ oz requirement, but that seems totally doable and this makes the addition of lemon a bit easier.  Now, I’ve read that it’s important to squeeze the lemon fresh with each new glass of water… so I wonder if taking say an hour or so to drink this would mean I’m missing out on important enzymes and such. Not sure. But I do like how this is totally encapsulated and mess free… no messy sticky juices all over the place and nothing going to waste. What do you think? Just another unnecessary gadget or a good way to keep me focused on the challenge by having a dedicated tool to achieve it?


You can see my Challenge #1 Post about Increased Water Intake  HERE.

And here is where to buy the CITRUS ZINGER.

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Challenge #1: Increased Water Intake


So let’s begin the challenges and begin simply. I do not expect this to have a huge effect on my BPD symptoms, but several studies have shown that dehydration does, in fact, have a significant effect on mood, not just in BP patients, but in all people, and especially in women. Since I know I am dehydrated most days and I do suffer headaches, poor concentration, kidney pain and am prone to UTIs, I figure this is a good place to begin. My goal is to drink 50% my body weight in water (in ounces) per day. So, since I weigh 120-125 lbs, I plan to drink 60+ ounces of water each day, insha’Allah (God willing). I have done some research both online and in books about the effects of dehydration on BP and have drawn my parameters from this research. I’ll list resources at the end.
So, who is going to take the water challenge with me? 


  • I will drink approximately 60+ ounces of water per day.
  • Our water, in Wichita, is not fluoridated, so I may be drinking tap water, though, when possible (and preferably) I will try to drink as much spring water as possible.
  • I will drink at least 16oz 30-60 minutes before I eat each morning.
  • I will avoid caffeinated drinks (though not quit completely, that’s a whole other challenge, lol) as they are known to dehydrate tissues, which is counter-productive.
  • I will add 1/4 – 1/2 of the juice of a lemon to my morning water and drink it warm. (This aids in digestion, adds vitamin c, and helps level out the pH… all indicated in several studies to aid in BP symptoms, amongst other things). I may add pure, raw, organic honey… hey, I don’t know how much I’m gonna like the taste of this stuff, lol.
  • I will avoid drinking water during meals (which impedes digestion) and will, instead, try to drink it throughout the day.
  • I will keep track of my approximate daily water intake and differences in physical and psychological symptoms throughout this challenge.
  • I will continue this challenge for a minimum of four (4) weeks and will make adjustments, as necessary, along the way.
  • If I notice improvements in my health/symptoms, I will continue this program as I add in additional challenges to find the combination of adjustments to aid in the management of my BP symptoms.
  • The challenge begins tomorrow morning. September 18, 2012.
Pretty easy, right? I often go days without drinking water, it’s awful. So this is a big deal for me. And the headaches and depression are always quick to follow. When that happens, I usually drink coffee in order to curb the headache and lift the depression which further exacerbates the dehydration. Vicious cycle. So, here’s to a step in the right direction. CHEERS!

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POEM: I Will Write of You One Day

I Will Write of You One Day

You recline behind me
the heavy breathing of your half-sleep
At this hour I am not watching you
But this morning
I was

And I awoke with the constant ache
that’s become familiar
I’ve wreaked havoc upon my body
As you will gradually my heart

These are the ways of love
I tell myself
And I watch you
the old-man face you make
the occasional grunt or groan

Already I see us
in forty years
then imagine looking back
remembering how I saw you now

Today we fought
hours passed
You did not come

And when you finally arrived
You didn’t see it my way
I thought hard
regretting the hope

Then peace surfaced
And we laughed
I thought of how I’d write
of you one day

As I’ve done today
But one day it will be
so much more.

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POEM: My Heart Hurts More Because the Pain is Familiar

My Heart Hurts More…

My heart hurts more
Because the pain is familiar
I’ve known what its like
To quell the noisy dream
To leave it to collect dust
To whisper and whither
To think of it only
as a memory

And I’ve given up love
For the sake of devotion
Heard my heart sigh
In misery
My heart hurts more
Because the pain is familiar
I’ve known what its like
To quell the quiet dream

So I fight with a fury
The heart will remember
It does not yield twice
So easily
Its not to say my love
Does not also hold you dearly
But devotion to you
Won’t be the death of me.

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POEM: Weary (freewrite)

Totally random freewrite written in September 2011. Do not expect genius or epiphany….


Ive grown weary
of the in-and-out pressures
of this life

The day-in, day-out
of my emotions
my perceptions
my mind

Tired of questioning
every thought
every implication
every action

doubtful of who or what I am
or why
or when it will all change
or if
and if not

…well then what?

Mania has become dulled by chaos
useless brilliance
acid wash behind the skin of my eyes

(I want to paint
its been so long)

I think of a day beyond today
and Im certain its madness
I’ll never make it
to retirement

And my children will gradually bury me

And every thought that is: I am
my person
my being
all of it
Ive been convinced

is now an illness,
a glitch
in the matrix
an inconsistency

Dont confuse hallucination with
negative self-talk
it says
negative self-what?

I am not hallucinating.
Nor do I think I’m on a Mission from God

a challenge perhaps
whose path is winding
always winding

but Lord, Im tired

What will come of it
What will come of me

Passion has run out of me
like blood
like the sputtering of an empty tank

wheezing out
or being ripped

and everything is
dull dull dull
and infuriating

not a mood
but a state of mind
that permeates

pervades every fleeting joy
digs and digs
and grinds against my better
less realistic sensibilities

love love love
and faith
and laughter
and children
the blandness of it all

i keep chanting
but i know that urge
that dies at the end of
an empty brush

whats the point
not poetic
but honest
so here i am
never leaving
just the ebb and flow of
the same mind

utterly bored with it all
but committed
and determined

but determined
and hurting
and hating
and wringing my proverbial hands
without doubt
rather anxiety
that its all as it should be
and i am not

i am not
even waiting.